My Story

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Ajit, Jun 30, 2008.

  1. Maidoc

    Maidoc Member

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    Actually, that was my first full-length short story ever. I'm working on a prequel, and hopefully I can make enough short-stories to form a novel-length book.
  2. Ajit

    Ajit Active Member

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    OH yes that would be awesome... but i prefer to read things on paper, lol this hurts my eyes. I guess i should just print out the next one :p
  3. Maidoc

    Maidoc Member

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    Hehe, well, my next one is still in the works and I think it will shed some light on what the aliens are, how they work, and how Human life has changed to adapt to the new environment. :alien:
  4. Ajit

    Ajit Active Member

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  5. Ajit

    Ajit Active Member

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    This is next addition to the piece. This part is chronologically before the first part i posted. But it is not yet decided whether this is going to be written just as part of the story, before the scene with Tash, or if it is going to be flashback from later in the story, or if it is possibly going to be the Prologue. I wrote it with the intention of creating a prologue, but it is not for certain if this will be it.

    Enjoy! ;D

    A slow deep melancholy beat hit the heavy oak door. Its sad sound would have echoed in the great hall if it were not so busy with bustling people of all shapes and sizes moving about it. A second, louder series of knocks occurred, now catching the attention of the more observant of the crowd. Those who heard suddenly stopped there bustling. The rest were quick to follow. The leader of the group of men stood up as everyone else began a long awkward silence.
    “Come in...?” said the chief man after clearing his throat. He along with everyone else was certainly curious at the idea of any one person interrupting their fine business. You see, these men were working men. Not quite like the peasants or farmers or merchants or gypsies. These men worked for the King himself. They were educated men, business men. They were not royalty and they were not a part of the court, but an important part none the less. These twenty or so men worked out the finer details of the country's economy. They took into account the food, the armies, the gold, and all other things that were of importance.
    “Come in!” he said this time with a little less curiosity and a little more aggravation. The heavy golden handle turned and the large oak door began to open. A man stepped through rather quickly. He closed the door behind him quite quickly, for it was winter now, and a fast breeze blowing throughout a crowded room full of scrolls and writing feathers is generally not appreciated by the men working with such light weight equipment. The man was dressed well by the standard of royal importance, but definitely not dressed well by the standard of the cold weather outside. He didn't shiver much at all, but that wouldn't fool most people that he was awfully cold. He wore a robe, which resembled those of the ancient Greeks, but covered both shoulders. It was mostly white, but possessed some green lining along with it. He of course had decent sandles on as anyone could infer from the rest of his clothes. Any plain old peasant wouldn't have been shooed at all. The man was now identified as a messenger of some sort. He walked briskly towards the chief man who still stood in the same place. The messenger handed a half-print scroll to the chief man.
    “From who is this letter sent?” asked the chief man as he began to unravel the letter. The messenger, who was apparently unable to talk, pointed to the bottom right of the small paper. What the mute messenger pointed to was not a name, but a symbol. This symbol had been stamped on the letter. It was the royal seal. This meant that it had been delivered straight from the royal palace itself. The chief man looked fairly surprised, but he covered it quite well. Generally when one received news from the royal court, if ever, it was either wonderful news or terrible news. Unfortunately the contents of the letter were the latter. The chief man at this point had not yet read the message. He thanked the mute messenger and tried to send him out, but the man was nearly already out the door by the time he had given the letter to the chief man. A couple of the business men started back on the day's work, but a few watched out of curiosity to see if they could depict what sort of news was contained with the scroll. The chief man peered down to look at the letter. From the business men's view, they could see the chief man's eyes open wide, read for a second time what he had already read, and open his eyes wide with terror a second time. The chief man's eyes, full of emotion and surprise, darted upwards to look around. At this point, the whole room was as silent as before when the messenger had arrived. He looked back down, this time not at the letter, but at the floor before him. He began to rush through the room towards the back where his private quarters were located. People made way for him. Anyone in their right mind who would have seen this man walking the way he walked on this cold winter evening would have made room for him. He gave off a radiance, a feeling, of pity, or regretfulness, or sorrow, and or embarrassment, all in one quick stride. He opened his door quietly, but quickly, and the door was immediately closed behind him thereafter. He then stopped his quick, meaningful steps. He now trudged along towards his chair, about eight feet away. He tossed the letter on his desk in a thoughtless manner. Walking over to his seat, he slumped down into his chair. The chief man sat for a couple of minutes in silence. He put his hands evenly together and leaned his head on them, as if in deep though. His eyes were open, but he wasn't looking at anything. Minutes passed and he then finally grabbed the scroll. He opened it and looked at it a final time. It read:

    “I, Sir Ayedon, knight and second to his highness, bring regretful news. Three days ago our beloved King and Queen died. Details of their death are not to be disclosed. If you are reading this, you are one of many men who have been selected to know this important information. For the time being, you are to not inform anyone else of this incident. Hopefully, in a timely manner, the sad news will be informed to the public. For the time being, I will be the provisional leader of the land of Minnica, until the King's heir, Tash, comes of age.”

    The words were then followed by the royal seal, as mentioned earlier. The chief man rolled the scroll up with trembling, plump hands, and weakly got up to finish the day's work.
  6. Maidoc

    Maidoc Member

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    Nice! The story's really starting to take shape and it's interesting. Not much to say on it though, because I can't see what's going on yet. I understand it's a work in progress, and it's coming along well, but I just don't know what to say about it. Overall, good job ;D

    My story is still just on the first page, but it paints an epic scene, with some biblical referencing to go with it. I can post what's already done, but it's subject to change.
  7. Ajit

    Ajit Active Member

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    ok sounds cool whatever you do ;D

    just, next time you post part of your story, maybe you could start your own thread? :p

    o and for those who have already read it, i added some minor edits (just grammar and the like)
  8. Maidoc

    Maidoc Member

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    Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. Wouldn't want anyones THUNDAAAAAAAAAAAH getting stolen 8)
  9. lamaz1928

    lamaz1928 Active Member

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    oo nice!!! i like it. seems like its starting to shape in the story line.
  10. Maidoc

    Maidoc Member

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    Alright, I posted up the next chapter/story in General Discussion. I'd like to see the whole thing, once it's finished :)
    I think it'll be real nice in the end.
  11. Ajit

    Ajit Active Member

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    Just a few years before, when Tash was a young child, he had learned of his parents' deaths. His beloved father and mother, who were the King and Queen of Minnica, had been found lying in bed by Tash himself.
    “Father?” whispered Tash as he entered the room. No response.
    “Mother?” he said, a little louder this time. Still no reply. The room was lit only by the moon. He approached the bed with a little uncertainty. He went to his father and shook his shoulder a bit. In pure confusion and worry, Tash took a burning coal from the fire a couple feet behind him with a small shovel and sloppily dropped it in a container of oil in order to light the area. Vases of oil such as this were a common method of lighting rooms aside from torches. Tash gasped in horror and shut his eyes for a moment, like an extended blink. The burning oil lit the room quite well, and the violent scene that lay before Tash was horrid. His father and mother were lying with stab wounds in their chests. They were still warm, as Tash had observed when he touched his father's shoulder. His mother's eyes were open looking almost directly at Tash. But the eyes weren't looking at Tash, they were looking through Tash. They were motionless, more still then what is possible for a living person. If it had been a random person at a funeral, Tash would have felt mesmerized at the sight of such stillness, but it was his father and mother who were lying before him. His stomach cringed in pain. He grabbed an unlit torch from a stand next to the bed and stuck it in the burning oil. It lit quickly and Tash ran out just as fast. Within seconds he found a guard patrolling a hallway.
    “Help!” Tash cried out. The guard almost didn't say anything in amazement. From his view a crazy and terrified boy was running through his King and Queen's castle with a burning torch that was screaming uncontrollably. This soldier, like almost every man, had never seen Tash before. Tash ran closer while he still could, but he was beginning to feel dizzy.
    “Mother...ugh, Father! They're...” Tash breathed uncontrollably due to the running and his adrenaline pumping. The guard, who seemed to understand in the very least that something was wrong, ran a couple feet and opened a wooden door and yelled in for a couple more men. Three soldiers stumbled out in a frenzy. The four of them ran towards the King and Queen's chamber. Tash began to follow, but his dizziness increased. His head ached and he began to get cold. Seconds later he fainted, alone in the middle of the hallway.
    He awoke to find himself back in his chambers. It was bright outside, and it was even brighter for the sun reflected off of all of the snow outside. Several windows were exposed to the harsh light.
    “Hello?” Tash yelled. He was quite confused about why he was in bed at such a time of day that it would be that bright outside. He began to rise out of bed but was put back down by a sudden headache sort of pain. The right side of his head hurt quite bad. He reached up in surprise to find a bandage of sorts had been placed on his head. Then finally someone came in response to his yelling. It was Nimn, Tash's servant and his only real friend. He walked in the room at a quick pace, looking somewhat alarmed. Nimn was a mute, unable to talk since birth. This made him the prime candidate for becoming Tash's servant. As discussed earlier, princes such as Tash were not allowed to be seen by almost anyone until he had grown into a young adult. Nimn not being able to talk made it to where he would definitely not speak of what Tash looked like. He was much older than Tash, nearly forty at this point. But regardless of his official position as servant, he and Tash were great friends. On many occasions they pulled pranks on the palace guards like hiding their helmets. One time, during one of their mischievous outings, they were briefly spotted by a guard who in turn sounded for the alarm. The whole palace was put into a frenzy, with soldiers and people of all status were running and yelling in the hustle. Although they were a troublesome duo, they avoided any serious consequences due to the fact that Tash was, after all, a prince.
    Nimn walked over to the bed and just stood there, gazing at Tash. He was in general a happy person, who smiled just because that was his attitude, but this day he looked different. He stood there as if in deep thought, looking quite mellow. Just when Tash was going to ask for an explanation of his wound, Nimn looked towards Tash, but as if daydreaming and not really focusing. He was looking through Tash, not at him. Tash's eyes widened. The look Nimn gave him reminded him of his mother, lying in bed with her eyes open. Quite rapidly all of the memories of the past night began to flood back into Tash's mind. Tash began to tear up. Nimn came in closer and hugged the child. Tash accepted the comfort and began to cry.
    Several minutes later Nimn was sitting on the bed where the fatigued Tash still lay. Tash had stopped crying by now, and was ready for questions.
    “Who? Why?” he asked, knowing he wouldn't get much of an answer from Nimn. Nimn just shrugged his shoulders and moved his hands in a similar gesture. Tash understood that he didn't know and that more than likely no one knew. Things remained the same for another week while Tash recovered from the head injury he received when he fell straight down on the stone floor when he had fainted.





    ok that was an additional part :)
  12. B☠N3S

    B☠N3S Active Member

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    :eek: long stories
  13. Ajit

    Ajit Active Member

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    lol :D i wouldn't call 5 pages a long story :p

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